It still feels so surreal. I’ve been trying to keep myself preoccupied with different things, but it isn’t working. We keep noticing the little absences from our life – even the annoying ones – that bring everything to the forefront again.
Roscoe is still trying to adjust too – he really misses his best friend. Last night, starting my shutdown routine, it all hit again. Usually when I first go in, I’d call for Maynard and Roscoe would come racing over so I’d have to gently ease him out so Maynard and I could have our time and he could get his treats. Well last night, I called Roscoe and he raced over but stopped at the door as if he knew Maynard was supposed to go first and he had to wait his turn. He still wanders around crying so pitifully it breaks our hearts.
Several years back, when we were still in Idaho, Roscoe jumped off the balcony and was missing for a couple days. Maynard was inconsolable and paced the rooms crying like that because he was looking for his best friend. (This was also when we first decided to invest in tracking collars.)
I’m not doing well – I know it will get easier as time passes, but part of me feels like I should just wallow in this misery. I’m having a hard time keeping it all together for my wife. This being her first cat and first cat loss, she is having to adapt to new feelings and I’m trying to keep my shit together so I can be available for her when she needs me to be. I am trying to keep busy, but I still catch myself unconsciously reaching to the spots Maynard would frequently lay to give him a little pet as I pass by, or catch myself about to call for him when I sit down somewhere that he’d usually come to lay with me.
I’m pretty sure it is hitting me so hard because it was so unexpected. When Luna went, there was time to mentally prepare, and we scheduled a home vet visit for her to be put to sleep. We knew what was happening, I took the day off work, and we scheduled the appointment. This was just so unexpected and such a shock that it is still hard to wrap our heads around it.
It’s a funny thing, I used to help counsel grieving people who’d come to my mortuary and helped them, but I just can’t seem to help myself right now.
Song of the day: Hole Hearted by Extreme
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